The early portion of the year 2000 was a tumultuous time to be alive in America. The Good- Y2K’s lack of tech-based apocalypse lets human-kind breathe a collective sigh of relief, a pack of bacon is $2.97 and the Real Slim Shady finally musters up the courage to stand up. The Bad- 300 gallons of black sludge “accidentally” finds its way into the Mississippi River, a 17 square mile hole practically obliterates the Ozone layer over Antarctica, and a Bush is planted in the White House. Somehow, the damned thing goes untrimmed for over 8 years, spreading leaves and humanitarian disasters everywhere. The Ugly- General Motors green-lights the release of the Pontiac Aztek, automotive fever dream which will go on to be known by many as one of history’s top five worst designed cars, period.
What the Heck, Aztek?
As a car (or crossover, for you technical Tommy’s out there), the Aztek concept vehicle was introduced to the world at the Detroit Auto show in 1999. Initially marketed towards a young, hip, on-the-go audience, this early iteration un-ironically used the phrase “Xtreme” as a marketing strategy. To any sane individual, this alone should have been a warning sign. In spite of what that year’s presidential election would have you believe, a surprisingly large number of potential Aztek buyers had their wits about them. Many took one look at what, to this blogger, appeared to be an unholy union between a falcon and a toaster, put the peddle to the metal and sped off to NOPE-ville. Naturally, this lead to GM coming up just a wee bit short of their intended sales quota. How short, you might ask? Well, about as short as a bar stool at a ladder convention. Simply put, GM needed to sell about 75,000 vehicles each year to break even. They sold 27,322 units in the first year of general production, with that number declining noticeably for almost every subsequent year. Somewhere, somehow, somebody ****ed up.
Blue, Fictitious Meth (And How It Brought Back the Aztek)
By 2008, it seemed the Aztek was slated to be a forgotten relic of the past, like JNCOS, flip phones or Phish. All that changed on the 20th of January, when Walter White (a.k.a Heisenburg a.k.a Malcolm’s Dad) was spotted using the crossover as his daily commuter car in the hit T.V. series Breaking Bad. Just like that, millennials caught a case of Aztek fever. Was it the car’s uncanny resemblance to a thrift shop sweater, its low price point, or it being the choice vehicle of “The One Who Knocks” that caused the Aztek to attain a level of glory not seen since its debut in 1999? What we know for certain is that in 2010, Edmunds reported over one third of Aztek buyers to be in the 18-34 year age range, a stark contrast to the vehicle’s consumer base in the early 2000’s.
High-Tech, For an Aztek
The Aztek was produced officially from 2000 to 2005, living out its five years on planet earth much like a remarkably ugly, yet surprisingly versatile individual. Yes, even though I have made it abundantly clear that I detest the crossover for numerous reasons, from its post-crash aesthetics, sluggish handling and a spoiler which messes with rear window visibility, I must admit the Aztek had some pretty cool features. Spend about 200 bucks on additional gear, and you have yourself a small SUV that would make a Swiss Army knife blush. The crossover has room for days, can hold up to 400 pounds worth of gear within its many nooks and crannies, has a pull-out cargo ramp and a removable center console which doubles as a drink cooler. If it weren’t for how horrible this thing was to drive, I might actually be swayed by a list like this. Yes I drove one, more on that later. As was stated earlier, the Aztek became less and less popular with the consumer audience at large, selling just over five thousand units in its final year of production. With all this said and done, I might start to feel kind of bad for further ripping on “The World’s Ugliest Car”. See the text below for a plethora of reasons I do not.
An Aztek Experience
As part of my day job, I work on cars, changing tires and oil. At the time, I was at the apex of my Breaking Bad obsession and as such, would regularly geek out about any of the show’s vehicle models entering the shop. We only ever had one Aztek in my memory, I’ll never forget it. It was a rainy fall afternoon, so the sickeningly bright yellow-on-black plastic aesthetic of the later model Aztek was clearly visible as I approached the parked vehicle to take it inside for its winter tire swap. The interior felt cheap, oddly shaped plastic molds covering much of the car’s interior. With well over 250,000 kilometers on it, the crossover woke up with all the enthusiasm of a hung over English major on exam day. As I drove it through the bay doors, it ran surprisingly well, its all-wheel drive traction gripping the pavement in spite of the rain. The interior was spacious and quite possibly lived-in, as the multitude of food wrappers, clothes and various electronics suggested. Rust caked the bottom of the car, a stark contrast to the smooth yellow paint which had held up surprisingly well in the car’s many years on Earth. Old tires came off, and new ones on, mostly without a hitch. Driving the Aztek back out into the torrential downpour, I tried to envision what was going through the fictitious meth lord’s head when he made this car his daily driver. I mean, I guess more product could be bought with all the cash he saved on the initial purchase?
The Bottom Line: Get Wrecked, Aztek
If budget camping without any real style, durability or fuel economy sounds like your thing, then the Pontiac Aztek might just be the car for you. I guess a plus side of bringing the thing out into the wilderness is that bears will probably mistake it for some sort of neon alpha predator and may keep their distance. That, and no one will rob your campsite, as they’ll be too busy pitying your personal style and lack of funds. I think it’s safe to say the rest of us will stick with our Honda’s, Toyota’s and bicycle options when looking for non-atrocious street and all-terrain vehicles.
References
Dodge Magnum Scores Highest with Millennials on Used Car Market, Says Edmunds.com. Edmunds. (2015, September 9). Retrieved from https://www.edmunds.com/about/press/dodge-magnum-scores-highest-with-millennials-on-used-car-market-says-edmundscom.html
Pearson, S. (n.d.). Cost of living 2000. The People History. Retrieved from http://www.thepeoplehistory.com/1958.html
Pontiac Aztek gets top honors as the worst vehicle ever sold. (2012, February 19). Los Angeles Times. Retrieved from https://www.toledoblade.com/Automotive/2012/02/19/Pontiac-Aztek-gets-top-honors-as-the-worst-vehicle-ever-sold.html
Ronson, J. (2015, September 11). Kids Are Buying Up Pontiac Azteks Because ‘Breaking Bad’ and Walter White. Inverse. Retrieved from https://www.inverse.com/article/6092-kids-are-buying-up-pontiac-azteks-because-breaking-bad-and-walter-white
A Special Shout Out to AMC’s Breaking Bad, General Motors, and that guy whose Aztek I briefly drove.
Fast Food, Slow Cars 