Come one, come all! If it’s a tale driven by suspense, drama and madness, the likes of which make Hollywood movie producers drool, then oh boy, have I got a story for you! Okay, it’s actually an interview. Even so, this break from our regularly scheduled programming will no doubt put a smile on that wall of flesh between your brain and the outside world, or at least give your grey matter something to chew on. Now, concerning the interview at hand, I offer a warning: Let those who are easily put off by putrid puns, abstract anecdotes or needless alliteration avoid the heck out of this post, as it is just about bursting at the seems with the aforementioned content. To everyone else: Sit back, relax, and give me that (good) feedback!
A brief summary of my subject, Nashville. He is a truly unique individual, garrulous yet reserved. From obscure Japanese video gaming, to growing dad mustaches despite having no children, to wearing alien masks to work functions (simply because he can), Nashville is one of the most extraordinary, ordinary men. Today’s interview focuses on his five favorite slow cars, with pictures of the man himself with his most recent acquisition. My friends, I give you; Nashville!
Fast Food, Slow Cars (FFSC): Nashville! What a pleasure that we have the time to sit down and talk! As your co-worker, I know you to be the busy sort, so I’ll get straight to the point. Would you mind telling me about your early experience with slow cars and your love/hate relationship with them?
Nashville (N): No problem at all, I’m happy to chat for a bit. The first car I ever drove was a 1998 Ford Taurus. Even though it held some of my first driving memories, the experience was pretty forgettable. It had steering akin to that of a city bus, and the speed of one too. I did not enjoy this car.
FFSC: That’s too bad. First driving experiences should always be the warm and fuzzy sort of memorable. At least you didn’t have to drive a minivan, like your blogger friend here had to!
N: Actually, the second vehicle I drove was a minivan, a 2000 Mazda MPV. This too was the opposite of fast. At least this vehicle drove a little more like how it looked, which was again, bus-like. The handling was a little too squirrely for my tastes. It was a slow car, but not slow enough. It felt like it had too much pep. A little too much “umph”. I didn’t like all that low-end torque. I like a struggle when I accelerate.
FFSC: Interesting. I thought having to drive such slow cars in your young days would be a cause for boredom. It definitely would have been enough to…*ahem*…drive me crazy.
N: I’m going to ignore that pun, and instead tell you about the first car I both owned and drove daily. It was a 1992 Toyota Celica lift-back, in some weird shade of green. It was a fine vehicle, as well as a slow one. Exceptionally slow, mainly because I didn’t realize until a few years into my ownership of it that there was a button I could press, which would take the car out of fuel efficiency mode in order to make it accelerate faster. I used this once to get up a hill, then never touched that button again. One, because I like fuel efficiency and two, too much pep. If you can’t go fast, you can’t get in trouble, in theory. Even if I had sprung for the best model of that car, it would have been pushing just over 130 horsepower, maybe. It was slow, real slow. In fact, there’s this hill I encountered in the middle of Waterloo that I had legitimate trouble climbing. In the middle of a hot, dry summer.
FFSC: For such a slow car, you sure sound like you loved it. What made you get rid of it?
N: My best friend’s neighbour. They decided to back up forty feet, straight out their driveway and somehow t-boned my car. So that car became a write-off.
FFSC: Such a shame. What happened next?
N: Well, I went to the nearest used car dealership to meet a salesman named Bob. I went up to Bob and said my expertly-crafted sales pitch, that went a little something like this: “I have five thousand dollars. What do you have?” Bob happened to have a 2006 Pontiac Pursuit. It had minimal rust, and more horsepower than my Celica. It was previously owned by a smoker though, so it ended up smelling like cheap cigarettes no matter what I did. If I would drive over 120 on the highway, the engine would scream at me as if it were going to explode. A fun fact about this car is that it has over twice as many recorded deaths as any other car of a similar year and size. Aside from that, I thoroughly enjoyed this car.
FFSC: And that brings us to the final car, your current pride and joy. Tell me about your newest automotive protege.
N: After I started to actually take an interest in vehicles, I looked for another 1992 Toyota Celica, but none of the guys I got in contact with followed through with meeting up. After a bit too much effort, I finally settled on a 2007 Subaru Outback Sport. I drove all the way to Oshawa to buy it. It is the fastest car I’ve owned, sitting comfortably at about 178 horsepower, propelled through the streets by a 2.5 liter Boxer engine. It’s an old car now, so it’s not so fast, but that’s just the way I like it.
FFSC: Thanks for your time, Mr. Nashville, that was quite a story!
There you have it folks. A tale full of love, loss and lame engines. If ever there was another man with such a passion for slow cars, I challenge you to find him. I hope you’ve enjoyed this interview and have maybe even learned something along the way. This is T. McLellan, for Fast Food, Slow Cars, signing off!
Question of the Day: What is the slowest vehicle you’ve ever driven? Have you any feelings of affection towards it, or would you rather it be left to the scrap heap?
Shout Out, of course, to Derek Nash, for agreeing to be part of a an absolutely ridiculous interview.
Fast Food, Slow Cars 